Why does it have to be so hard????

My brain chose not to remember the dreams from last night. When I got up to pee this morning around 6:00 something, I could remember my dreams and then I went back to sleep until 10 or so.

I haven't done the details to the other nights dreams either but I really haven't fucking felt like it.

No phone call yesterday to say he was or wasn't coming over and nothing today, to say the least I'm pissed off. Everything seems to be setting me off lately. I don't know why or I don't want to admit why.

I really want to write a nasty e-mail but I'm trying like hell to stick to my one conviction that I've been able to stick with and that's I don't contact him at all. I'm amazed that I didn't pick the phone up today but I hide it earlier under stuff so it was out of site out of mind.

So I'm writing here and drinking a beer. I don't really have anything to say and yet my head won't stop racing. When my beer is finished I will stop writing and go to bed. I did accomplish the one thing I set out to do this weekend and that was to put clean sheets on my bed, amazing. Oh and I did something I'm not really good at getting done, I racked some of the yard yesterday, I think I wrote about some of that yesterday.

Jilly called today. I wish I was there right now having fun instead of feeling the way I feel. I just took a really, really hot bath and listened to Pretty Hate Machine. Through that I decided I will work really hard this week doing research on horseback riding places and if there is some place to go kayaking. Those are 2 things I know I really want to do while Jill and I are hanging out. It will keep my mind extremely occupied.

Mom called tonight and knew something was wrong but I lied to her and said everything was fine, which she knew was a lie..... She's keeps telling me that she wants to come down and buy me some new clothes. I keep telling her that's it fine but she keeps insisting. She's supposed to come down next Saturday.

Well, my beer is almost gone, that went quick. I know that I'm just rambling like I always do, tonight seems like it's more all over the board than normal. The last couple of posts I have not gone back and re-read them for missed spellings and if I add or leave out those little words. Oh well. My hands somethings move at different speed than my head. Beer is gone, which means I'm heading to bed now. Should sleep pretty well now.