One Emotion After Another...

It's always good to be a pessimist. Gregg didn't show up tonight. First he called at 6:00 to tell me that he fell asleep and that he would be here around 7:00. 7:00 came and went, then the phone rang at 7:30 to tell me that he wasn't going to be able to make, he was having a bad night. (And I haven't had a bad year?) I guess he went to get gas and his debit card was rejected....from there he filled out a police report and went back to Clate's house. I didn't know how to respond really, he was crying...a part of me wants to really think that "she" did it, yeah that's bad of me but oh fucking well. I know I shouldn't but I do feel bad for him. (Others think I should feel this way) Supposedly he will be stopping by tomorrow night after he goes to the radio station. I won't hold my breath because even though I expected him not to come over tonight, I was let down again, I don't know how to trick my mind into not getting "excited" or "scared" I really don't think my body (HEAD) knows the difference these days.

I took Jet for a walk after I found out that he wasn't coming over. I felt like I was going to explode, haven't started crying yet but I'm sure that's to come. It's PMS week and I'm just waiting for the one thing that sets me off. I walked Jet when I got home for about 20 minutes and then we just kind of hung out in the house, checked my e-mail and stuff. Then about 6:45 took her out and walked around the block a couple of times because needed to put her in her crate while Gregg was going to be here. She's been acting more aggressive than before and I didn't want her to get agitated while he was here. She seems tired tonight, she's has a lot of walks today and I think that just something we have to do to keep her attitude in check. If the excerise doesn't help then I'm not sure what to do.....I haven't decided if I was going to try to have her go to bed with me tonight or not, last night was awful, it's a good thing that she can't read.....

I just don't get why and how life got so hard, I still don't even talking shit out in therapy, I just don't get it. I know the bank account thing Gregg really doesn't have any control over but it pissed me off because I was just thinking of myself and what I wanted or needed. I don't think that is the way I should be thinking but....WHATEVER!

Well, just heard a trailer for a new Keanu Reeves movie :) I am not a stalker? I don't have A.D.D.

Why am I so stuck? I probably shouldn't be drinking the beer I'm drinking, but oh well it will help me sleep. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday.

Nothing is planned for the weekend. Gregg is supposed to come over on Saturday but not sure if that will happen now. My sister, Karen, is having a party on Saturday but I really am not comfortable bringing Jet with the way that she's been acting and there are going to be a lot of people there. I probably will do my usual, sleep in, depending on when I get up, take Jet for a walk before my music show, Metal Mania (don't ask you won't like) and then maybe Gregg will come over and maybe not. I think Star is gone all day Saturday. So stuck in my own head again all day, it's hard to get out of that space lately.

Yeah this is all over the place just like my emotions and my head. Going to finish my beer and head to bed.