tomorrow is the day.........

i should be in bed. but i'm not, i here worrying about my trip tomorrow, mostly the plane part. i've tried to not think about it but i'm going to actually need to get on the plane tomorrow. had a rought night. gregg called to tell me to have a safe trip and to have a great time out there. of course that made me start crying and then he said that he knew he shouldn't have called. then why did you? he says when you get out there send me an e-mail so i know that you're out there. why the fuck for??? i lost it after he hung up and folded, i sent him a long, long e-mail. part of what i was thinking at that moment and part of the letter i've been working on for myself. he happen to see that title on saturday when he was here. i told him that he wasn't supposed to see that because i hadn't decided if i was sharing it with him or not. i know he's not committed to that 'relationship' and he knows he's not committed to it as well. no one needs to know the details behind that statement, it's all in my head, hard to forget. he asked me why i didn't ask mom and jim to take me to the airport. i told him in the e-mail that i didn't because it would just remind me that this is the trip we were supposed to take together next year by driving across country. i tell myself and others that i'm trying like hell to leave all this shit here in nh but i'm going to have to work very hard to do that and i don't know if i'm strong enough. it doesn't help that i'm extremely emotional and pmsing (yeah that's probably not even a word, deal with it). i need to get out of my head........................